June 6th, 2006

Mike vs. Acid Tim

Raleigh, Carolina (Act I)

"Jeeeeeesus." The Madman walks into a bar and punches Simon in the face. "I'm already vaguely wasted. This might be a short night."

"Do tell," Simon says, wiping the blood away from his nose.

The Madman grabs a seat and orders a bottle of Fin Du Monde. "Had to have two drinks just to get through supper. See, I was barbequeing, that requires a beer right there."

"You're out of beer." Simon is ever the astute observer of the obvious.

"Well, I was, but I grabbed a couple of sixpacks at the LCBO yesterday." The Madman swipes a straw from behind the bar. There's nothing like taking a perfectly requestable object without asking beforehand; sure, it seems unethical at first, but then you realize that it'd take the bartender another ten minutes to get back to you for a request that would simply piss him off. "Had to grab the sixpack of Guinness, they were dropping a free rugby-shaped bottle opener, and then went with six Corona for the girlfriend. Testing was inherent."

Marina slides the upper label of her beer over to the Madman. This indicates that his conduct has earned him oral sex, but not the full act of intercourse (that would be the lower label.)

The barman whisks away Tim's glass in a single swift motion. "What next?"

"I'm thinkin' Coke." Tim is inscrutable behind the sunglasses. An old trick he learned from popular culture. Seriously, think of all the references to wearing sunglasses inside, or when it's dark. "No ice."

"I'll have what he's having." Apathy is the best policy, Mike always figures. For a vaguely psychotic drug addict, Tim tends to have a pretty good grasp on his own limits, and Mike has similar targets for his own alcohol consumption. Checking in on a pitcher? No problem. If Tim, the perpetual marijuana junkie, thinks he can handle more alcohol, then Mike probably can too. Similar body weights, similar tolerances, similar social attitudes. Only difference is that Mike doesn't tip as well - he always feels a responsibility to tip less, because Tim's paranoid and he tips too much. Balance has to exist! Otherwise there's chaos.

Jericho's found himself in a binding conversation with Murphy's ex, not that he knows she was ever with him, or else he'd cut it short. Don't mess with a customer's ex. That's what other businessmen do. "All I'm saying is that Tom Green five years ago is like Daniel Negranau now. If Tom Green were five years younger, he'd be a professional poker player. And not just one of those upstart Internet guys, either - he'd've been in it for a few years now. In it to win it. Tom Green had one of the first good websites, yknow? His website was covered with free clips and games and fucking screensavers and shit like that. Tom Green invented Follow The Porn. Follow the fucking porn. You can't make that stuff up. Unless you're Tom Green." He doesn't manage to get off with the girl, which turns out to be the right decision a week later.


One thing I will say about wikipedia: when it fails, it fails in spectacular fashion. Example: the neutrality of the wikipedia entry on the beer widget is disputed.

Quite frankly, I was looking to see if there was any information on the modern Guinness bottle widget, as the label says "Drink straight from the bottle" but fails to indicate if this is a necessity, or merely a recommendation. My family is currently trying to settle a dispute as to whether or not the bottled Guinness can be poured into a glass without disrupting the tender mixture of hops and barley contained within. Wikipedia, I subtract a point from your credibility rating. I SAID GOOD DAY