October 4th, 2006

Erstwhile Concept Art

I'm addicted to U

        It's six times more potent than the next-best thing we've synthesized so far, JJJ-1 (aka "tripjay" or "thirty-one") but still not wholly consuming. Long-term cryotemporal testing has evidenced that the entirety of U addiction lasts sixty-five years, an improvement of a decade over JJJ-1, yet still theoretically outlastable
        Certain observers of JJJ-1 have commented that withdrawal seemed to come in stages, not always with defineable boundaries but definitely in a clear progression. Recall similar problems with Twentieth Teeth productions. U attempts to circumvent this with synthesized strains of lysis, particularly from lysis-25 onward. Ambiguation of symptoms occasionally shortens treatment, but only by perhaps a year. In-lab simulations also suggest that addict culture will allow for CWSS [Cultural Withdrawal Symptom Sharing] at an advanced level, never seen before.
        (Parenthetical observation: much has been made of the fact that lysis was originally synthesized as a treatment for spinal cord injuries - a person or persons will of course recognize the origins of the treatment from spinal fluid therapy - also the unconscionable uploading of more and more films to the NFB and the unrefined remarks made by unrefined persons - they refuse to admit that there are more genres than dreamt of in their musical philosophy. This prompted the return of the death penalty through the use of hypnotic command, which differs from hypnotic suggestion in that it allows the body to be forced to do things that the mind might have been unwilling or unable to.
        A peculiar sort of backlash came out of this. Individuals felt that they were being put at risk for no reason, as a command could not cover all the bases and could lead to an unfortunate situation. A simple command such as "go hand yourself in to the police" could be misinterpreted by the complex mind as "...and take a shotgun with you." Public safety was declined rather than supported by the government's lack of research and compounded by the secrecy surrounding said lack.
        At some point the synthesizers of lysis realized that certain properties of their new miracle, normally dormant, could be activated and used for psychological warfare. In particular the hallucinogenic properties. The testing pattern applied correctly would allow the commands to be followed with certain rules quite literally in mind, the rules pertaining to a shared unconscious reality developed through supplements delivered via breakfast cereal. Two splinter groups protested this manouvre: a large but scattered union of creative types who felt they couldn't so much as write a journal entry with the words "death penalty" or "death to Smith" without raising a light-up alarm on the hill and being silenced by the quiet policeman, and a smaller yet more vocal collection of odd types wearing saran wrap on their heads [aluminium foil actually magnifies the effect of radio waves rather than blocking them] angered by the fact that the stockpiles of oat rings and bran flakes in their armageddon bunkers would in future be tainted and therefore unconsumable.
        Therefore the government made a big show of demonstrating that breakfast cereal was perfectly safe, that lysis was no longer being synthesized for use in even the most crucial spinal cord cases, and that nobody was breaking the law around here, especially not in the month of April when the next election was to be held. The Libercons won again.)
        We remain confident that we will someday produce a drug so addictive, a single dose will keep the subject addicted for life, leaving them in hopeless paroxysms with no relief if they attempt to withdraw.

        Today's reading is 33A93FD1:

        A modern day warrior meat his mind is not for rent, do quiet defense, riding out his river. And what you say about society sayeth mystery, catch the world, love and lawyer, maybe assets high on you, a space he invades by odd government. To any cows changes aren't permanent, yet disco range is. He knows what you say, a witness, his company is, was, catch the white world, the world is the wide. The deep, his sky sets war random energy he gets right on the fridge.
Mark!

My Equally Valid Opinion

Yesterday, Cam Cole wrote an article saying that last season was "immune to logic" and explaining how this season would be much the same. Essentially, the word from the hockey commentators (ie. the ones who haven't been tapped to cover baseball) is that nobody has a valid opinion to go by this season.

So I figured, if nobody has a valid opinion, then mine must be equally valid! Here now, without further ado, are my NHL predictions for the 2006-07 season.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1. Buffalo Sabres
2. New Jersey Devils
3. Carolina Hurricanes
4. Ottawa Senators (2nd in points)
5. Philadelphia Flyers
6. Atlanta Thrashers
7. Toronto Maple Leafs
8. Montreal Canadiens

Notes:
- Northeast Division basically runs rampant on the rest of the entire NHL - even the Western teams can't stop 'em. Interdivisional play remains the only benchmark in determining playoff position.
- Thrashers leap ahead of Tampa Bay as Washington and Florida find new and better ways to lose games in more spectacular fashion than last season.
- Rangers and Islanders both drop to the basement as Pittsburgh surges ahead in the race for mediocrity.
- Boston loses game after game due to captain Zdeno Chara's thousands of penalty minutes in the first half of the season, followed by his permanent status on the injured list after someone finally hits him back at the All-Star Game (maybe Detroit's Andreas Lilja.)

WESTERN CONFERENCE

1. Colorado Avalance (wins President's Trophy)
2. San Jose Sharks
3. Detroit Red Wings
4. Nashville Predators
5. Calgary Flames
6. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
7. Phoenix Coyotes
8. Edmonton Oilers

Notes:
- Who's the idiot who put the worst three teams in the league (Chicago, Columbus, and St. Louis) in the same division as Detroit and Nashville? Of all the half-baked predictions I'm making, the result in Central is the one I'd most like to be proven wrong about.
- Dallas attempts to halt a shaky start to the season by making an ill-advised trade with Phoenix, possibly involving Eric Lindros. I mean, look how well it worked for Boston last season! (I know, highly improbable, but I needed some reason to plug the Coyotes into seventh place and I didn't think "Gretzky still fuelled with Turin angst" was gonna cut it.)
- Vancouver bottoms out after losing most of their games in shutouts. I don't think they've got anyone left to produce goals. At least they don't have to worry about Bertuzzi swinging his stick around any more.
- When's the last time Minnesota or LA did anything worth talking about? I honestly can't remember hearing about them at all last season. They went completely under the radar.

PLAYOFFS
ROUND ONE

Buffalo def. Montreal in 7 - Montreal loses steam in game 5 after Saku Koivu's eyeball is knocked out of his head by an errant puck to the back of the head.
Ottawa def. Philadelphia in 6 - But not without less than four bench-clearing brawls. In game 1.
Carolina def. Atlanta in 5 - Atlanta smokes the 'Canes in a double-digit shutout. Raleigh wakes up and remembers they have a champion hockey team; Carolina takes the next four games.
Toronto def. New Jersey in 6 - Leafs come back in a harrowing game 3 do-or-die final period after being outshot for 160 minutes of playoff hockey. Devils forget they can't rely on Tie Domi to sucker-punch someone for an easy major penalty, costing them game 4 as well.
Edmonton def. Colorado in 6 - In the interests of world peace, Avalanche hand over the series after a renegade group of fans report that they have atomic weapons stockpiled in the bars on Whyte Avenue.
Calgary def. Nashville in 5 - Predators demonstrate that they still don't know anything about winning in the playoffs after enjoying a relatively fun season tagging along with Detroit.
Detroit def. Anaheim in 4 - Niedermayer brothers collide with each other trying to catch up with Kris Draper. Things go downhill from there.
San Jose def. Phoenix in 7 - Lindros (he got traded from Dallas in my dream world, remember?) puts up the fight of his life trying to hold back Thornton. Wins go back and forth until game 7, when the two meet for a final showdown and both end up flat on their backs after landing simultaneous punches.

ROUND TWO

Ottawa def. Buffalo in 5 - Sabres too tired after hard-fought victory against Canadiens; rampant speculation concerning theories on the power of a fourth-seeded underdog against the first-place division rivals abound until 2022. Alfredsson remembers to score a couple of goals once in a while.
Toronto def. Carolina in 7 - Andrew Raycroft steps up after Rod Brind'Amour crashes the net and "accidentally" takes out Mikael Tellqvist. Eric Staal breaks his nose on his own knee in game 6.
Calgary def. Edmonton in 7 - Alberta temporarily relocated to the Yukon for duration of series. Roloson and Kiprusoff block everything in regulation; every game goes to overtime, lasts until next Eastern Conference game starts. Residents of Newfoundland pleased that turning on the CBC finally gives them an excuse to never sleep and therefore drink 24/7.
San Jose def. Detroit in 6 - Hasek breaks his nose on Chris Chelios's knee in game 1. Enough said.

CONFERENCE FINALS

Ottawa def. Toronto in 7 - Specifically, Toronto wins the first three, Ottawa rallies back to win the next four. Sports journalists dig up King Clancey so they can justify comparing Sens to '03 Boston Red Sox, complete with "curse" to overcome. Curse-talk doubles when Chris Neil bearhugs Mike Fisher so exuberantly, they knock over the table with the Wales Trophy on it.
Calgary def. San Jose in 5 - Joe Thornton breaks his nose on the plane coming into Calgary's airport for game 3. California too busy watching new season of The Apprentice to notice.

STANLEY CUP FINAL

Ottawa def. Calgary in 4 - Stephen Harper attends every game; good humour turns to smoldering glower as Spezza and Heatley set up goal after goal in frenzy of post-Leafs surge. Alberta prepares to hold separation referendum in 2008. Bryan Murray congratulates team on job well done, gave 110%, etc., etc. before retiring in Ottawa Valley to make fun of his successor.

There you have it. See you in April.