December 7th, 2010

Mark!

How to deal with greasy PC thugs this holiday christmas season

We all know it's okay to shout down the insensitive hatemongers who think saying "happy holidays" is a cop-out and refuse to put up anything but trees at the mall. Who do they think they are! You gotta get some menorahs up in there, you bastard. But how do you deal with the sanctimonious politically-correct jerk who makes a big deal out of it when the Salvation Army guy says "merry christmas" and waves their arms around while you're trying to get out of the liquor store? Personally, I like to persuade them with the same sort of logical reasoning to which they pretend to subscribe.

First, it's fun to point out that regardless of your spiritual affiliation, christmas is the day that most of us actually get out of work. Do you see people complaining about their free time off, whether or not they're unwrapping presents? Of course not. "Merry christmas" is a code phrase for "happy no-worky-day." Or "happy time-and-a-half day" if you have to work after all.

Now, some misers will ignore your perfectly satisfactory and understandable explanation, because they're now uncomfortable with not being the clear voice of reason any more and want to retake control of the situation. They'll usually push religion back into the argument, because even though they're an atheist (or worse, one of those sun-worshipping pagan jackasses who thinks free-range broccoli is a valid pizza topping) they know some Jews or something, and they're offended on behalf of others. "Merry christmas" only covers the Jesus-lovers! How is that even remotely fair to, say, a hypothetical Buddhist? (Yknow, the kind that ignores the essential properties of Buddhism and actually gives a shit about the difference between "christmas" and "holidays.")

This is where you hit 'em with the science. "Good news!" you say, being genuinely cheerful because you just know this is gonna brighten their day. "According to modern astronomy and historical evidence, there's actually no way Jesus could've been born in December. The star that brought 'round the magi and the shepherds and stuff, it had to be lit up between April and June. So really, christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus, and you can take the stick out of your ass!" That last bit need not be sarcastic -- it is a truly happy occasion when an anal-retentive idiot finally removes their stick.

(Also, do yourself a favour and don't actually look up that stuff I just said about Jesus' birthday. Apparently, it's been placed in every month of the year by "respectable scholars." The wikip entry is so mired with disagreeing sentences and dubious sources on both sides of the issue, even the Neutrality template is arguing about it on the discussion page.)

Finally, hand the Salvation bellringer a fiver and tell 'em "merry christmas." There's nothing like a simple demonstration of goodwill and charity to really piss off people who think petty semantic fights are going to change the world.

Solis invicti, everybody!
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